Stop Trying to Change Their Mind
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“You’re never going to change someone’s mind on the Internet.”
My best friend, who happens to be a clinical psychologist, was trying to talk me off the ledge. I had just come out of a contentious exchange and needed his advice.
And here’s what I realized as I vented: I wasn’t trying to exchange ideas with someone I disagreed with. I was trying to win.
Sound familiar?
These conflicts play out in the workplace every day. Conference rooms. Slack threads. Email chains that should’ve been a five-minute conversation. Someone disagrees with your point-of-view, and suddenly you’re building a case like you’re prosecuting a trial.
But here’s the truth most of us won’t admit: trying to change someone’s mind at work is killing your credibility.
Not because you’re wrong. Because you’re fighting a battle nobody wins. The harder you push, the more they resist. The more evidence you pile on, the deeper they dig in.
You can’t force someone to see things your way. But you can do something better.
You can influence without the fight.
Here are five things you need to know about trying to change someone’s mind:
1. The Cost of Being Right
You win the argument and lose the relationship. They concede publicly but resent you privately. Or they dig in harder, and now you’ve created an adversary instead of an ally.
The real cost isn’t just the relationship. It’s your reputation. People start seeing you as combative. Difficult. Someone who needs to win. And once that label sticks, good luck getting anyone to champion your ideas when you’re not in the room.
Try this: The next time you feel the urge to “win,” ask yourself: Am I trying to be right, or am I trying to move forward? Shift your energy from proving your point to understanding theirs. They will feel that and will loosen up.
2. Earn the Next Conversation
Jefferson Fisher wrote The Next Conversation: Argue Less, Talk More, and the core insight is brilliant: we make the stakes too high for any single conversation.
“If I don’t get through to them now, this whole project is doomed.” Or “Our relationship is on the line here.”
When we catastrophize, we force the conversation into win-lose territory. People sense the pressure, and their defenses go up.
You don’t need to solve everything right now. You just need to earn the next conversation.
Try this: At the end of a tough conversation, don’t push for resolution. Say: “I appreciate you sharing your perspective. Let’s revisit this in a few days.” Give them time to process. The next conversation might be where real progress happens.
3. Task Conflict vs. Relational Conflict
Task-based conflict, where people disagree about how to solve a problem, can be productive. It brings different perspectives. It sharpens ideas.
But relational conflict? That’s toxic. It’s when disagreement turns personal. When “I don't like your approach” becomes “I don't trust you.”
When you try to change someone’s mind in a heated moment, you risk crossing that line. And once it gets personal, productivity dies.
Try this: Before a difficult conversation, get clear on what you’re actually disagreeing about. Are you debating the method, or making it about the person? If you catch yourself thinking, “They just don’t get it,” pump the brakes. Focus on the problem, not the person.
4. Most Conflict is About Missing Facts
Most workplace disagreements aren’t about opposing viewpoints. They're about incomplete information.
You have access to one set of facts. They have another. You’re both making decisions based on what you know.
From your respective vantage points, you’re both right.
When you try to change someone’s mind, you’re assuming they see what you see and are choosing to ignore it. But more often, they simply don’t have the full picture. And neither do you.
Try this: Get curious. Ask: “What information are you working with?” or “Help me understand what you’re seeing that I’m not.” Once all the facts are on the table, alignment often happens naturally. No convincing required.
5. Don’t Give Away Your Power
Every time someone’s comment sinks your spirit or pisses you off, you're giving them power over your energy.
You replay the argument. You vent to colleagues. You lose sleep. That person occupies mental real estate they didn’t earn.
When you spend energy trying to change someone’s mind, you’re letting them dictate your emotional state. The most unignorable people don’t engage in battles they can't win.
Try this: When someone pushes your buttons, pause. Count to five. Ask yourself: Will this matter in five years? If the answer is no, let it go. Not because you're weak, but because you're strategic.
Your Unignorable Move
Stop keeping score.
The moment you start tallying who’s right, who conceded last time, or who “owes” you an apology, you’ve already lost. Influence isn’t a transaction. It’s not about collecting wins or evening the ledger.
The people who get heard, trusted, and followed? They don’t waste energy proving points. They invest it in building bridges. They ask better questions. They create space for others to shift without losing face. They focus on progress, not scorecards.
Your coach,
Chris
P.S. Stuck in a loop with someone on your team? Or maybe your whole team keeps rehashing the same argument every meeting? I’ve got a 2-session process that helps cut through it. Not therapy. Not team-building exercises. Just a practical way to get unstuck. If that sounds useful, let’s talk.
