The apology that cost you everything (and the one that could fix it)
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Hello Friend,
You shouldn’t have to spend years building trust with someone only to watch it collapse in sixty seconds because you didn’t know how to say you were sorry.
I’ve sat across from a lot of talented professionals. People who were smart, capable, and genuinely good at their work, who lost the room, the relationship, or the opportunity. Not because they made a mistake, but because of what they did after the mistake.
Most of us were never taught how to apologize. We were taught to say sorry and move on. Say it fast, say it loud, say it before the other person can escalate. Get it over with.
But sorry isn’t an apology. It’s a starting pistol.
I’ve been thinking a lot about this because of a recent episode of WorkLife with Adam Grant, which featured research from Dr. Beth Polin, a management professor at Eastern Kentucky University who studies apologies in the context of trust.
Here’s what Polin found: the components of a great apology aren’t what most people think. She identifies five. What she calls the Five Rs.
Regret. You express genuine remorse for what happened. Sincere. Not managed. Not performative.
Rationale. You explain why it happened with one critical caveat. Polin distinguishes between external attribution (“the traffic was bad”) and internal attribution (“I should have checked the traffic before I left”). Same facts. Completely different effect. One sounds like blame-shifting. The other sounds like ownership.
Responsibility. This is the big one. Polin’s research found that acknowledging responsibility is the single most critical component of a good apology, and the one most people skip. “I’m sorry you feel that way” is not an apology. It just insults the person twice.
Repentance. You commit to doing better. Not vaguely. Specifically.
Repair. You take action. You do something. You don’t just fix the relationship in words. You fix the thing that broke.
And here’s the part that stopped me: according to Polin’s research, the word sorry isn’t even in the top three most important components of an effective apology. What matters most is taking responsibility, giving a rationale, and committing to repair.
This maps directly to something I write about in Unignorable.
Trust isn’t a feeling. It’s a decision people make about whether you make their lives easier or harder. And here’s what nobody tells you: that decision is shockingly asymmetric. It takes months or years to build the kind of trust that moves rooms and earns you real influence. It takes moments to break it.
The drive-by apology is exactly what erodes trust in professional settings, too. The flapping-hand “sorry” on the way out the door. The email that technically acknowledges the issue without ever saying I was wrong. The leader who gets in front of the team, takes a breath, and then somehow makes the whole thing about themselves.
(The BP CEO who famously said after a catastrophic oil spill, “I’d like my life back.” That’s a masterclass in what Polin calls a second insult.)
Try This
The next time you need to apologize to someone, such as a colleague, a client, or a direct report, write it out before you say it. Use this sequence as your guide:
What specifically did I do wrong? (Regret)
What was the internal reason it happened? Not the external excuse. (Rationale with ownership)
Where does the responsibility land, and can I say it plainly? (Responsibility)
What am I committing to do differently? (Repentance)
What can I actually do to make this right? (Repair)
You don’t have to use all five every time. But Polin’s research is clear: if you only include three, responsibility has to be one of them.
And if the relationship matters? Invite the other person into the repair process. Not a demand for absolution. An open door. Are we okay to move forward? That question, in a humble, direct, and no-pressure way, is how trust gets rebuilt one conversation at a time.
Your Unignorable Move
The changemakers I’ve worked with who earn the deepest trust over time aren’t the ones who never mess up. They’re the ones who know what to do when they do.
What’s the apology you’ve been putting off? Want to practice? Reply to this message with your first draft. I engage with every response.
Your coach,
Chris
P.S. I just launched my new Unignorable: The Science of Being Taken Seriously keynote and workshops for teams this week! And I’d love to work with you and your team. To learn more and book a live chat about scheduling an upcoming event, click here.
