You’re not trying to be the problem. But you might be.
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You probably know someone at work who makes everything harder than it needs to be.
The one who shows up to every meeting like they’re already annoyed. Who responds to a simple question like it’s a personal inconvenience. Whose mood you check before you even knock on the door.
Now here’s the uncomfortable part: Someone might be saying that about you.
Not because you’re a bad person. Not because you don’t care. But because no one gets out of bed in the morning with the express goal of being hard to work with. And yet, somehow, some of us still are.
That’s the trap. The drift happens on autopilot. You get busy. You get overwhelmed. You stop noticing how you land on people. And little by little, you become the person others quietly route around.
This week, I want to focus on one specific barrier from my new book, Unignorable: Your Energy (Emotional Presence).
The question that stops most people cold
In my book, I ask readers: Are people glad to see you walk in the room… or relieved when you walk out?
Your emotional presence answers that, whether you realize it or not.
Here’s what most people miss: When your energy consistently feels cold, combative, or dismissive, people don’t confront you about it. They just stop bringing you their best problems. The interesting ones. The career-defining ones.
That’s the real cost. Not that you’re unpleasant. It’s that you become optional. And optional is invisible.
The first thing to do: Catch it
The #1 reason people don’t improve is that they don’t get feedback from others, and they can’t catch themselves in the habits that are holding them back. Your boss won’t say, “You make people feel stupid.” Your peers won’t say, “Your energy is exhausting.” They’ll just stop asking.
This is why I recommend the 16Personalities assessment (free, takes ten minutes). Look at the second letter of your result. If it’s a T (Thinker rather than Feeler), pay attention. The common watch-outs for T’s: arrogant, socially clueless, combative, insensitive, stubborn.
I’m not saying Thinkers are bad people. I’m saying your natural wiring might be working against you in ways you genuinely don’t see. And you can’t fix what you can’t catch.
The second thing: Protect your energy like it belongs to someone else
Life is too short to waste energy on assholes. At work. In the comments section. In the meeting, where someone clearly just wants to win.
Every time you give your energy to the assholes, you show up weaker for the people who actually deserve you. Your best clients. Your best teammates. Your family.
Don’t let the assholes make you an asshole.
That’s the drift I mentioned earlier. You get harder. More guarded. Less generous. Until the version of you that shows up looks nothing like the one you started with. Your decency isn’t a liability. It’s the whole point.
Try This (Corporate Insiders)
The next time someone comes to you with a request… big or small, convenient or not… lead with five words: “I can help with that.”
That’s it. Before you think about capacity. Before you hedge. Just say it. Those five words signal openness, ownership, and warmth simultaneously. Even the most difficult stakeholders soften in that exchange.
Try This (Entrepreneurs)
Audit the last five client interactions you had. Not what you delivered but how you showed up. Did they leave feeling better or more uncertain? Did you make it easy to get to you, or did your process create friction? You’ll know because you’ll get complete radio silence, and nothing will move forward.
Take the 16Personalities assessment this week and focus specifically on your watch-outs. Build a simple system (a phrase, a ritual, a checkpoint) that bumpers your blind spots before they cost you the relationship.
Your Unignorable Move
Being easy to work with starts with your energy. Not your intentions. Not your credentials. Your energy. What people feel when they’re around you, in your inbox, or waiting on a response.
So here’s what I’m genuinely curious about: When you think about the version of yourself that shows up under pressure, is that someone you’d want to work with?
If you feel like sharing, please reply. I read every response.
Your coach,
Chris
P.S. I just launched my new Unignorable: The Science of Being Taken Seriously keynote and workshops for teams this week! And I’d love to work with you and your team. To learn more and book a live chat about scheduling an upcoming event, click here.
