Respect should be the default. Not the trophy.
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I had a post go live this week on The Emotional Intelligence Network. I shared a quote from Dr. Zack Mercurio that really resonated with me:
"Wanting respect, validation, and gratitude at work isn’t a sign of entitlement. It’s a sign of being human."
Then I watched the comments roll in.
And I was surprised by how many centered around this idea: "Respect is earned, not given."
It got me thinking. How many professionals actually believe this? That respect is something you withhold until someone passes your test. That people have to audition for basic dignity before they’re treated like they matter.
And I realized: this belief is holding our organizations and relationships back.
Because when we treat respect like a trophy instead of a default, we’re not setting high standards. What we’re actually doing is making people perform for basic kindness.
Here are five things holding us back when respect becomes a trophy:
1. We confuse respect with trust.
These aren’t the same thing. Respect is how you treat someone’s humanity. Trust is earned through reliability and character. You can respect someone before they’ve earned your trust.
The problem: When we conflate these, we withhold basic dignity while waiting for proof.
Try this: Start with respect for everyone. Let trust build over time based on behavior. But never make someone feel less-than before they’ve had a chance to show up.
2. We make people perform for kindness.
When respect is a prize, we force people to prove their worth before we’ll treat them well. It’s exhausting. And it creates cultures where people are always performing, never just being.
The problem: This drains energy. People spend so much time trying to earn basic decency that they have nothing left for actual work.
Try this: Ask yourself: “Am I making this person work for kindness, or am I giving it freely?” If it’s the former, you’re building walls, not bridges.
3. We use it as a power move.
“Respect is earned” sounds like wisdom. But often, it’s just a way to keep people at arm’s length. To maintain hierarchy. To remind someone they’re not quite worthy yet.
The problem: This isn’t about standards. It’s about control. And it damages trust before you've even started.
Try this: Notice when you’re withholding respect. Is it because someone hasn’t proven themselves? Or is it because giving it would feel like giving up power?
4. We punish people for our past experiences.
Maybe someone burned you before. Maybe you got hurt trusting too easily. So now, you make everyone start from zero. They have to earn what someone else lost.
The problem: That’s not fair. You’re asking new people to pay for old wounds.
Try this: Recognize when you’re making someone else carry baggage that isn’t theirs. Start fresh with each person. They deserve that.
5. We forget what it feels like to be on the other side.
Remember your first day at a new job? Walking into a meeting where you didn’t know anyone? That moment when you weren’t sure if you belonged?
The problem: When we forget that feeling, we stop giving people what we once needed: the benefit of the doubt.
Try this: Recall a time when someone gave you respect before you’d earned it. How did that feel? Now, be that person for someone else.
What Changes When Respect Is The Default?
Imagine a workplace where respect isn’t conditional. Where people don’t have to prove they’re worthy of basic kindness. Where dignity is the starting point, not the finish line.
What would change?
People would take more risks. They’d speak up faster. They’d collaborate more openly. Because they wouldn’t be spending energy wondering if they’re respected yet.
Real leaders give respect freely. They make people feel safe, seen, and valued before asking for a single thing in return.
Because influence doesn’t come from making people earn your approval.
It comes from giving them yours first.
Your Unignorable Move
This week, notice when you’re withholding respect. Ask yourself: “Am I making this person earn what should be freely given?”
Then shift it. Start with respect. Let trust build from there.
Because the world doesn’t need more gatekeepers deciding who’s worthy.
It needs more leaders who give dignity first and watch what people do with it.
Your coach,
Chris
P.S. If your team is wrestling with respect and trust issues, I can help. I work with leaders to shift these dynamics. Let’s talk.
