What Makes People Avoid You?
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I had a complicated relationship with the last CEO I worked for.
Volatile, if I’m being honest.
He was incredibly smart. But we found ourselves intellectually fencing more than is normal. I’d push back on his ideas. He’d push back on mine. Neither of us gave ground easily.
And then he’d disappear. Avoid me for the next few days. Meetings would get rescheduled. Conversations would get shorter.
At the time, I thought he was avoiding me because of the disagreement. Because I challenged him too directly. Because we saw the world differently.
I was wrong.
Years later, I went looking for the research. A 2023 study published in PLOS ONE analyzed data from nearly 1,200 people across two surveys to understand what predicts whether someone avoids future conversations.
It wasn’t disagreement. It wasn’t conflict. It wasn’t trust issues or power dynamics.
What actually predicted avoidance? Not feeling heard.
About 38% of whether someone avoids a future conversation came down to that one factor alone. Feeling heard was the strongest predictor among 15 related variables. More than familiarity, liking, status, or even agreement itself.
That’s when it hit me. My old CEO wasn’t avoiding me because we disagreed. He was avoiding me because I never made him feel heard. I was so focused on making my point that I forgot to make space for his.
What feeling heard actually requires
When you hear “people need to feel heard,” it’s easy to assume it means being nice. Nodding along. Softening your position.
It doesn’t.
The researchers found feeling heard requires three things working together:
ME: Can I speak freely? Do I feel safe sharing my real thoughts without being shut down or rushed?
YOU: Are you actually listening? Not rehearsing your rebuttal. Not waiting for your turn. But listening with genuine attention and respect.
WE: Do we understand each other? Even if we disagree, do we share common ground about what we’re actually trying to solve?
Miss any one of these and people start pulling back. They won’t tell you why. They’ll just stop volunteering ideas, stop pushing back, stop engaging. And eventually, stop coming to you at all.
Try This
In your next meeting, don’t listen for louder voices. Watch for silence.
Notice who hasn’t spoken. Who stopped contributing after being interrupted. Who nodded but didn’t lean in again.
Then try one move that reinforces ME, YOU, and WE all at once: Pause before you respond and reflect back what you heard, especially when you disagree.
Something as simple as: “Here’s what I’m hearing you say… tell me if I’ve got it right.”
People don’t need you to agree with them. They need to know they weren’t invisible.
Looking back, I wonder what would have been different with that CEO if I’d understood this earlier. If instead of preparing my next counterpoint, I’d paused and said, “Help me understand what you’re seeing that I’m missing.”
Maybe fewer rescheduled meetings. Maybe more trust. Maybe a different ending.
Your coach,
Chris
P.S. Got a complicated relationship at work you can't stop thinking about? Sometimes you need to talk it through with someone who isn't your spouse. I can be that person. Let’s meet.
