Are you being excluded… or avoided?
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Now Serving… Absolutely No One
I sat staring at the ticket in my hand. #102.
At the DMV office, fluorescent lights humming overhead. Rows of scratched plastic chairs. The faint smell of old coffee and antiseptic. The lobby was divided: left side for appointments, right side for walk-ins. I was on the left, clutching my little paper ticket like a baby holds a blanket.
But everyone on the right side kept getting called. #87. #88. #89.
My “appointment” was becoming more meaningless by the minute.
When my number finally came up, the DMV agent barely looked up. “Do you have your DR26?” she asked, her tone suggesting I should already know what that meant.
I didn’t know what a DR26 was. Still don’t.
“I… I’m not sure what that is,” I replied.
She deeply sighed. “It sure would help if people actually looked at the website.” And by people, she clearly meant me.
Every question felt like an accusation. Every form was like a test I hadn’t studied for.
I walked out frustrated and a little defeated. But here’s what hit me driving home: I had just spent twenty minutes being treated like an inconvenience by someone whose job it was to help me.
And I couldn’t stop thinking about my own career.
How many times did my colleagues have to fight through walls of complexity, decipher my mood, or decode my messages just to get the help they needed?
That’s what this is really about. When we’re overwhelmed and operating on autopilot, we all become the DMV. We build walls. We create friction. We make people work harder than they should just to get our help.
Here’s what most people miss. When you’re hard to work with, you don’t just lose opportunities. You lose people’s willingness to bring you their best problems. When someone has a genuinely interesting challenge, the kind that could be career-defining, they don’t take it to the person with the highest competence. They take it to the person who won’t make them regret asking.
So if you’re getting left out of meetings or you’re the last to know, it might not be politics. It might be friction. And friction comes from three places.
Your Energy
Nobody tells you your presence is exhausting. They just route around it. If your energy feels cold, combative, or dismissive, people will find ways to go around you even when they need you. And you’ll never know why, because telling someone “I don’t trust you” is uncomfortable. So they just avoid you.
Here’s the good news. Warmth isn’t a trait you were born with or without. It’s a choice you make in the moment someone needs something from you.
Try this: When a request lands, whether it’s a huge project or a task that takes twenty seconds, respond with five words. “I can help with that.” They convey openness, ownership, empathy, and kindness all at once. Even the hardest-to-satisfy stakeholder softens in the exchange.
Your Words
In the name of speed, we sacrifice clarity. We fire off messages with missing context and unclear asks, and we call it efficiency. It isn’t. It’s rework. I once got an email from a colleague that was three paragraphs long and somehow managed to say absolutely nothing. I read it twice. Still unclear. I forwarded it to a teammate. “Am I missing something?” She replied, “Nope. I think he’s asking for something he already has.”
Eventually, I just called the guy. Know what he said? “Oh, sorry. I was in a rush.”
Exactly. He saved himself ninety seconds and cost four of us an afternoon. The ask was in there somewhere. He just never put it where anyone could find it.
Try this: Put the call-to-action in the subject line. “Provide your feedback by Friday at noon.” Six to eight words, treated with intention instead of as an afterthought. Most messages go unread or fail to achieve the desired outcome because they’re vague. Yours won’t be.
Your Systems
I know. You don’t control the tools. It’s been like this for years. It’s above your pay grade. Fair. But here’s the gutpunch: if you don’t fix it, they’ll blame you for it anyway. Your name gets attached to the friction people feel, whether you designed it or not.
Try this: Look at your inbox and ask where people keep getting stuck. Every repeated question is a design flaw in disguise. Fix it before the third “just circling back” email arrives. And if you truly can’t fix the system, become the translator. “I know this tool is clunky. Here’s the shortcut.”
Your Unignorable Move
I think about that DMV agent sometimes. Maybe she started her career eager to help people. Maybe she was once easy to work with. But somewhere along the way, through bad systems and endless policies and ticket after ticket after ticket, she forgot that I wasn’t #102. I was a person.
Don’t let that happen to you.
Your coach,
Chris
P.S. Be Easy to Work With is one of the five behaviors I teach inside the Becoming Unignorable cohort. This is a 6-session live program for people who don’t want to be loud, play politics, or self-promote to be taken seriously. The next cohort launches soon. The waitlist is open. Doors open soon, and seats are limited. Save your spot here.
“This course is life-changing. It opened my eyes to new skills (just to name a few: friction, systems, unlearning, see/feel/do) that I’ve never experienced before, and I’m 30yrs+ into my career.” —Suzy Sandifer, Director of Enterprise Apps
