Supercommunicators.
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I witnessed two messy disputes in the last five days.
One was a domestic dispute with a couple I love. The other was between a boss and a direct report.
This week, I’m covering WHY most disputes happen, and HOW to avoid preventable misunderstandings.
The disputes
Last weekend, I was enjoying dinner with a couple I love. While reviewing the menu, the wife said, “I’ve been concerned about my weight lately. I’m frustrated I can’t order what I really want to eat.”
Her husband immediately engaged. “That’s because you aren’t consistent with your workout routine.”
Uncomfortable tension ensued.
(To be fair, they know I help teams overcome dysfunction for a living. So, they’re fine airing their dysfunctions in front of me.)
Later in the week, I observed dispute #2. While facilitating a leadership team offsite, one leader said to her boss, “I’m overwhelmed with competing priorities. I don’t feel like I can get ahead, and my team is getting crushed.”
The boss responded much like the husband in dispute #1. He quickly fired back, “You aren’t the best with time management. Let me give you some advice on how to organize your work.”
The silence in the room was deafening.
What was happening?
Both disputes had the same root cause. It’s easy to diagnose. And believe it or not, it’s easy to fix.
In his new book, Supercommunicators, Charles Duhigg provides a simple recipe for conversations.
It starts with what participants want when they’re having a conversation or meeting. There are three kinds of wants:
What’s this really about? This is a decision-based conversation. We have a problem we need to solve, and we work together to find solutions.
How do we feel? This is an emotion-based conversation. We want to share how we feel about things that are happening.
Who are we? This is a social-based conversation. We want to talk about our place in the world, our role at work, or how others see us.
Preventable disputes happen during a conversation when the participants have different wants.
With the couple, she wanted to have a “how do we feel” conversation. She was frustrated she’s been gaining weight and has to order a salad instead of an indulgent meal.
Her husband wanted to have a “what’s this really about” conversation and provide feedback about practical ways to solve her problem.
She didn’t feel heard or acknowledged. He felt like she was ignoring the obvious path forward.
With the leader, she wanted to have a “how do we feel” conversation. She’s overwhelmed with competing priorities and feels like she’s surviving vs. thriving.
Her boss wanted to have a “what’s this really about” conversation and provide tips on how she could improve her time management skills.
Like the wife, she didn’t feel heard or acknowledged. The boss felt she brought this upon herself.
The root cause for both disputes? They were having two different conversations although it felt like one.
The solution
To avoid preventable disputes, we can use the Matching Principle.
We have to understand what participants want from a conversation and the kind of conversation we’re having.
This includes a simple step of asking other people what they’re seeking or observing clues from what they’re saying.
For the husband and the boss, the clues were obvious because the conversations started with, “I feel” statements.
Match your response with the conversation. The boss could’ve said, “I hear you. This month has been really overwhelming for many of us.”
The husband could’ve said, “I’m with you. I’ve gained a few pounds lately, and I’m frustrated, too.”
If you feel the need to shift the conversation to problem solving, it’s essential to check in with the other person. Be sure they’re aligned about changing the context.
The husband could’ve said, “Since we’re both frustrated with our weight, I wonder if we should build an exercise plan together in the near future.”
The boss could’ve asked others in the room, “Do any of you feel overwhelmed, too? If so, do you think we should spend a few minutes talking about our current priorities?”
Call to action
Before trying any of these tips, go into observation mode for a week. For every conversation or meeting you’re in, categorize which of the three conversations are happening.
But also take note when there’s tension. Is the root cause related to participants wandering between different types of conversations?
Also, consider getting a copy of Supercommunicators. It’s a great read!
Your coach,
Chris
P.S. ♻ Sharing is caring. Please consider forwarding this to a colleague or friend, if you found it useful. Your kindness could change someone else’s life!
